Category Archives: Northern Virginia

Early Morning Reflections

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You know when you’re at a shopping mall and you’re looking for the directory and all you can find is those signs with the ever-changing ads? I guess after the kids thought Daddy worked at a mall the first time we visited him there, it shouldn’t surprise me that the Pentagon has those same signs.  But this week, my face will float by that screen for ten seconds at a time!  So cool.

Yesterday I got to meet a lot of people at the clinic, and had a nice time speaking to the nurses after a yummy lunch.  I even got to chat with one woman nearing the end of her reconstruction process, and as always, it was like we were old friends, bonding over our common experiences.

As I sit waiting to form up for this morning’s run, I am in awe of the fact that I get to do this! I’m sure some people are used to this type of thing, but the idea of being a “VIP” with my face plastering the walls of such a high profile building kind of makes me giggle. I definitely feel like this is another instance of God getting everything ready before I knew what was even going on.

But that’s probably enough reflection for now. I’m starting to see people show up, I should probably stretch so I don’t injure myself somewhere between the Pentagon and the Lincoln Memorial. At least running with the Pentagon clinic staff, I know I’ll be in good hands even if I do!

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Red vs. Pink | Baseball and Breast Cancer Awareness

Pentagon breast cancer awareness Jamie HollowayAh, October. Growing up in St. Louis, the end of September was filled talk of magic numbers and the upcoming pennant race.  To support our beloved Cardinals, the streets were a sea of red.  October was all about baseball and red.

I did don my Cardinals jersey this afternoon as the redbirds clinched the pennant, but the lead up to October has been a bit different this year.  Instead of baseball and all things red, I’ve been reading all my brain can handle on breast cancer and I actually bought a pink dress.

I’m starting off October with a bang– four events in two days!  I’m so honored to be working with the DiLorenzo TRICARE Health Clinic at the Pentagon for their Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign. The overarching goal of each of the events is to encourage women to maintain a healthy lifestyle to reduce their risk of breast cancer and to remind women that early detection through screening saves lives.  This Friday is my big day, which starts at 0530 with a run with the military staff at the clinic.  For you non-military types, 0530 corresponds roughly to oh-dark thirty, which is to say, 5:30.  AM.  And I will likely be the only civilian. No pressure there. After a quick shower, I’ll throw on my new pink dress and give a talk that’s open to anyone at the Pentagon, sharing a little about myself and some friendly tips for patients, survivors, caregivers, and providers.  I’ll have another quick breather before the big event in the courtyard of the Pentagon, where I’ll reinforce the themes of the day and kick off a walk around the courtyard.  Representatives from the Breast Health Centers from Walter Reed and Ft. Belvoir will be there to answer any questions and encourage women to set up screening appointments.  That will wrap up my day, and while I’m sure I’ll want one desperately, I’ll bet there won’t be time for a nap before I have to head to the bus stop to pick up the kiddos.  I’ll also be heading over a couple of other times to give the nursing staff a patient’s perspective and to share some of the recent news from breast cancer research and clinical studies with the clinic’s doctors.

I was definitely a bit nervous when we started talking about all that would be going on this week.  But then I realized this is exactly the kind of thing that I want to be doing.  I’ll be bridging a gap between scientists, patients, and physicians. It’s a lot all at once, but I feel like this is something that God has really worked out for me.  It’s all right here, I just need to prepare and go for it.  I’m ready.  Three out of four talks are finished, I’ve been faithfully running, and I am now the owner not only of a pink dress, but also a pink running shirt.  Thankfully, the Cardinals are once again vying for a World Series spot, so I’ll get to rock my red, but this year, there will be a healthy dose of pink thrown in there, too.

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Cancer Shaming

I’m sure lots of you have heard of the internet sensations of dog shaming and cat shaming, and an eloquently written piece on XOjane recently took on fat shaming.  In this post, the author contends with the belief that all overweight people choose obesity through their diet and activity choices.  Specifically, she points out times where “well meaning advice” was, in essence, blaming her for her weight.  Perhaps she should take the butter out of her grocery cart and replace it with a lower fat alternative; “good for her” for working out at the gym.

I know no one would ever, upon hearing I had cancer, tell me that it was my fault. Yet, a piece in the Guardian made very clear the cancer shaming that I’ve been picking up on lately.  It seems every week something new is “associated” with an “increased risk” of breast cancer. Those quotes are there on purpose– so many of these associations end up being little more than a flashy headline.

I love how we all “know” things that help fight cancer.  Like antioxidants and green tea, right?  I had a friend, who, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, received a big bag of blueberries every week from a well meaning woman at church. I know it was well intended, and thankfully, my friend received them with the appropriate grace. (Who wouldn’t want a bag of forty dollars’ worth of blueberries ever week? Wait! I bet they were organic.  At least $60!)

Sure, it’s good to be healthy. There are plenty of reasons to maintain a healthy weight, regardless of the impact on breast cancer risk.  But do I really think that if my friend had eaten that many blueberries her whole life, she wouldn’t have gotten cancer? Um, no.  And to the friend who made herself and her family eat broccoli every week even though they all hated it because she heard it would prevent the breast cancer that took her mother’s life? I love broccoli.  Eat it all the time.  Got cancer anyway. And if those blueberries could have cured my friend’s cancer, I’m kind of betting that the doctors would be shoving them down our throats. (Or big pharma would be busy synthesizing the critical compounds and pumping them in our veins.)

I know the media just reports the studies that get published and will draw viewers.  But it seems irresponsible to suggest that a woman is at fault for her own breast cancer diagnosis. The thing is, with breast cancer, no one has been able to pinpoint a real cause.  Of course, there is a small subset of women who, like Angelina Jolie, carry a mutated form of the BRCA gene, and the cause of their cancer is clear.  That leaves the other 95% of us wondering if we did something wrong.

Because I’m doing an awareness event with a wellness clinic, I’ve been digging in to the wellness aspect lately.  Maintaining a healthy weight, limiting alcohol intake (the lower the better), and not smoking all reduce a woman’s risk of breast cancer.  But if you start out with a one in eight chance of developing breast cancer and manage to cut your risk in half, that’s still a one in sixteen chance.  Your chance is smaller, but there’s still a chance.  Mammograms have decreased a woman’s chance of dying from breast cancer by catching a tumor earlier, but they haven’t eliminated the chance of dying.  In fact, 20-30% of breast tumors, including some of those “caught early” by mammograms, progress to advanced disease.  Nearly 40,000 women will die of breast cancer this year.

It’s not a woman’s fault that she got breast cancer, and it certainly isn’t her fault that she’s dying from it.  I’m sure not many people suggest that so boldly.  Yet many women are so desperately searching for their own “why,” and feel blamed when they hear the latest study or are forced to answer well meaning questions from others wondering the same thing.

As I think about the wellness presentation that I’ll make in a couple of weeks, I find myself walking a fine line.  We do need to take action in our own lives.  Eat healthy, drink less, move more, and get screened. I think that is a very important message.  Sadly, there are no guarantees. It seems so unfair.  Even if you do everything right, you can still end up with breast cancer. Found early, treated aggressively, a woman can still die of breast cancer. Shaming others and blaming ourselves (intentionally or otherwise) helps no one.

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Gifting a Friend with Cancer

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It seems that one of the most frequent questions I’m asked is about how to gift a friend with cancer.  I have such generous friends who know me so well who gifted me with such thoughtful tokens.  The last time someone asked me this question, I started to list for her all the things people had given me and things that I’ve given others since.  But it occurred to me that the perfect gift for me might not be the perfect gift for someone else.  There aren’t a whole lot of things that someone going through cancer needs.  Yes, once your hair falls out, you’ll need a few good hats, so that’s a  nice place to start.  But really, gifting a friend is about making her happy.  So what makes her happy? If chemo makes her feel badly, then probably don’t buy food or smelly candles.  And if she’s trying to work and is exhausted, then don’t insist on taking her out for dinner.  For me, the best gift was always time.  An easy run, thrift shopping trip, or coffee or lunch date was exactly what I wanted.  But if you don’t live close to your friend or your schedules just won’t match up, here are a few ideas.  Just remember, keep in mind her personality– give her something that will make her smile!

  • Cupcakes.  I got bunches and loved every bite!
  • Starbucks card. If you can’t go with her to coffee, you can help her take someone else!
  • Jewelry.  Of course, who wouldn’t love a little blue box? Alas, I had to earn that one.  But several friends know that a pretty bracelet or pair of earrings always brightens my day.  Even almost two years later, I still smile, remembering the thoughtful giver when I wear a special gift.
  • Something completely frivolous.  I would never buy an Us Weekly magazine. Not that I am above being sucked in by salacious celebrity gossip. But I would feel guilty, I should spend my money on something more redeeming. But when it comes from a fun friend? What an indulgent way to pass the time!
  • After I had my mastectomy, the neighborhood ladies took me to get a pedicure.  Such a fun outing! A gift card for a pedi would be a great gift for a friend after surgery, but a mani/pedi is off limits while she’s on chemo.  Maybe a gift card for a massage instead?

Of course, especially if you live nearby, things like childcare and dinner are always appreciated.  Pitching in with some friends for an occasional visit from a house cleaning service would be amazing.  But really, what I wanted from my friends more than anything was their friendship.  Pay attention to her– what makes her happy? What is making her smile right now?  Lip gloss, twizzlers, a sassy tee, or her very own cancer card.  (Man, I wish I’d seen those back when I was in treatment.  I would have whipped that bad boy out.  I wonder if it would have gotten me out of a parking ticket if I threw it in my dash instead of the parking meter receipt…)

I had a friend who was so sick during her chemo, the only thing that she wanted to eat was an Egg McMuffin, so I would drop one off every once in a while.  When I was diagnosed, she had moved away, but sent me the sweetest card with a McDonald’s gift card. You should have seen the smile on my face.  Clay thought it was the strangest gift ever, I don’t even really like McDonald’s. But I understood the gift, and it made me so happy.  Another great gift? The back scratcher a friend picked up after I complained that percocet made me itchy and I couldn’t scratch my own back after my mastectomy. Neither of those gifts came in a fancy blue box, but they both showed me that my friends were really listening to me and thinking of me. As much as I love me a little blue box, I’d prefer a thoughtful little gift any day.

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Definitely Blame the Camping

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This was the bulk of our crew when we headed camping two years ago.  I call it the ill-fated camping trip.  I wasn’t the most eager camper to begin with.  Then we lost Turner after dark and our sweet babysitter had a run in with the law when she tripped our house alarm (we shouldn’t have set it since we’d planned for her to come take care of our dog!).  That sort of puts a damper on things… I was so thankful for the trip, though, as it gave our family the chance to get to know some of our neighbors so much better. And we really did have a good time.  Who needs to sleep, anyway? Today we were talking whether I was planning to chaperone an overnight fifth grade camping field trip. (Um, no.)   A friend who was on that ill-fated camping trip said I had the best excuse for not going camping ever.  I didn’t have cancer before I went camping.  I came home, then I had cancer.  Argue with that one.

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The Great Mammogram Debate | No More Excuses

mammogram debate helvie Today was back to school day at our house.  Thank goodness.  Those kids needed to go back to school.  For all of the learning, of course.  As it turns out, apparently I had a little learning to do myself.  (And yes, that’s the dog’s head. She’s missing her playmates. And driving me crazy.)

When we went around the circle of parents left at the bus stop discussing the glorious plans we all had for the day, they were about what you’d expect.  Jiffy Lube, Target, spider removal from a chandelier…  My goal for the day: make some lists.  You know I love me a good, long list with checkboxes. Got my list made. (Check.) Then I proceeded to start checking off the boxes.  Of course, I started with the easy ones.  Then I got down to a tougher one: the great mammogram debate. (Insert dramatic dun-dun-DUNNNNN music here.)  After hearing a lot about overdiagnosis and the inability of mammography to reduce the number of advanced cancers, I’d heard something about a new study that contradicted it, and decided I needed to clear it up.

Now hold on tight folks, it’s about to get a little science-y up in here.  But I think I can get you through it.  If a screening protocol is working, then one would expect to see more diagnosis of early stage disease and fewer cases of advanced disease.  If you’re “catching it early,” then it will be diagnosed before it advances.  Make sense?  A study published in the the New England Journal of Medicine (very reputable) by Bleyer and Welch in 2012 looked at deaths from breast cancer in a roughly thirty year period since the introduction of mammography, and found that while there was a significant increase in overall cases of breast cancer, there was only a marginal (read: tiny) decrease in advanced disease.  This led the authors to conclude that mammography was leading to a significant overdiagnosis of breast cancer (leading to the treatment of disease that would otherwise not kill the patient) without substantially decreasing the incidence of advanced disease.  Their takeaway: mammograms don’t catch advanced disease early and catch a lot of otherwise insignificant disease. (Their subtext: mammograms are more trouble than they’re worth.)

I have to be honest.  I didn’t like this.  This put mammography into the “non-evidence based” decisions in my mind, right up there with contralateral prohylactic mastectomy.  The evidence didn’t point to its benefit, but I just couldn’t imagine that mammography didn’t have a place in helping breast cancer patients.  Until today.

In today’s issue of Cancer (also reputable, published by the American Cancer Society), Helvie et al. (that’s scientist speak for “and others”– Helvie’s group) published another look at that same data set.  But they made one little tweak to their analysis that made a big difference.  They adjusted their data for “temporal trends,” the change in incidence of a disease over time independent of any screening.  (They looked at pre-mammography data and data from countries without widespread use of mammography to determine that each year, the number of breast cancer cases rises between one and three percent.) When they adjusted the data for this increase, they found that there was a marked increase in early stage breast cancer diagnoses, but a significant decrease in the number of advanced cases.  They mentioned that their data doesn’t take into account who had a mammogram and who didn’t– it’s just all of the breast cancer deaths in the mammogram era vs. the pre-mammogram era.  This would indicate that number of advanced cases would be even lower if they were looking only at a population of screened women.  Did you stick with me, folks? That’s huge! That means that mammograms are catching potentially deadly cancers while they are still treatable. This study validates mammography as a screening tool.  For years, studies showed the benefits of mammograms, but the Bleyer and Welch paper called that into serious question.  Fears of needless biopsies and unneeded chemo compounded with their data left many women encouraging others to skip the annual mammogram.  Somehow, I doubt this will be the last word in the great mammogram debate.  But it is a thoughtful review of an excellent data set that agrees with many other studies.  That’s enough for me.  I’ll climb back up onto the mammography soap box with confidence.  They do make a difference, ladies.  Stop making excuses.

And now that I’ve finished my homework for the day, I’ll climb down off my soapbox so that I can go pick up my kiddos.  I can’t wait to hear what they learned today at school.  Won’t they be surprised when I can tell them that I learned something, too?

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The Cancer Book, Part Two | Keeping Track of My Breast Cancer

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Once I was in posession of my perfectly un-pink, spiral bound notebook, I set to filling its pages.  In the early days, it was merely a to-do list: long distance friends to call before anything went on facebook– that’s no way for them to find out I had cancer, letters to write– authorization for friends and family to pick up my kids from school if I were unable, prep for diagnostic procedures.  I carried it with me everywhere, even to the bus stop.  Nurses would call all the time, with very specific prep for upcoming procedures or with more appointments for me, and I liked to have my book so that I could write everything down in the same place.

My cancer book evolved, becoming a place for me to write questions to ask at my next doctor visit.  I was always careful to leave space for the answer below the question so that I didn’t have to turn the page back and forth between questions.  When I sat down in her lovely office for my very first meeting with my oncologist, she saw me pull out my notebook and told me that I didn’t need to worry about writing things down, she would write down everything I needed to know while we chatted and I could take her notes with me.  I tried not to take any notes the first few minutes, but I couldn’t help it.  I’m so glad she didn’t challenge me– taking my own notes was part of my process.

During chemo,  I got pretty hard core with my cancer book.  Each day, I would draw a horizontal line to separate the page for a new day.  Besides the day of the week and the date, each day was labeled to help me track my response to chemo.  “R2D1″ corresponded to the first day of the second round of chemo.  On the left for each day was a column of the meds I needed that day with checkboxes to mark when I took them.  Since I was supposed to take my temperature each day to catch any infections early, I always left a blank where I could record my temperature.  I made notes about my sleep– how long I napped and how well I slept at night.  I would record any symptoms or reactions, things like hot flashes and bone pain, and when I started taking taxol, I also had a section where I recorded the extent of my neuropathy.

Now that I write it all, that seems like a lot.  It really wasn’t that much, but the repetitiveness really helped it become second nature.  Having it all written down made it easy each time I headed to the doctor, I could quickly give her solid details and she could assess if there were things that we should change.  (We changed my meds several times based on how I was feeling.)

Out of chemo, beyond surgeries, the cancer book doesn’t live in my purse anymore. While I don’t write down every single headache, if I notice something a few days running, I make a note. It’s really reverted to the stage where I write down questions or concerns for my next appointment.  Whether it was during chemo or now, in that crucial stage of survivorship where the fear of recurrence is always lingering just beneath the surface, it’s amazing how much easier it is to see patterns emerge when looking at pages in a notebook instead of trying to recall the details on my own.

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My Cancer Book, Part One | Keeping Track of My Breast Cancer

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That Friday afternoon I found out that I had cancer.  By Saturday, I was already making lists.  I’m a list-maker and a note-taker. They keep me focused, on track.  Even if I lose my grocery list, merely the act of making the list focuses my shopping trip.  Tuesday, I had a diagnostic mammogram and the MRI that taught me the value of a pair of stretchy pants and a Xanax.

After wrapping up my morning in the women’s health center, Sally and I headed out shopping.  I’m sure we stopped at Blue Mercury because, well, it was right there, and who doesn’t love to look at pretty makeup? And then we hit the rest of the shops in Clarendon in search of a notebook.

I’ve always been a note-taker.  I can remember taking notes in high school, when the teacher’s pace was too slow for me.  I had these special felt tip pens– in red and black– which I used to take painstakingly take notes, perfecting my penmanship to fill the silence while my teacher paused to let everyone catch up.  Graduate school taught me to keep a very tidy scientific notebook, carefully tracking experiments with very specific timetables and many steps.  I would frequently map out my day to five and ten minute intervals to be sure that I didn’t miss an important step or seminar.

When it came to my cancer, I knew that I needed a notebook.  I had a few qualifications.  First and foremost, it could not be pink.  I can’t emphasize that enough.  There would be no pink.  The next most important thing: it must be spiral bound.  I am a voracious note-taker, and it’s hard to write things down quickly, neatly, correctly in a bound journal that won’t lay flat or let me flip around the used pages to take notes while holding it in my lap.  This particular requirement nearly drove Sally nuts as we shopped.  She is an artist, she studied graphic design. She loves pretty things.  I wanted a lovely notebook, but I needed a spiral bound notebook.  (That had no pink.)  Sally showed me so many lovely journals at The Container Store and Papyrus. They really were lovely, but they weren’t spiral bound. I left Clarendon empty-handed and Sally headed home to pick up her kiddos from school.  I hit every other shop I could think of before I had to leave for the bus stop.  I was hopeful heading into Barnes and Noble, but struck out.  Discouraged, I stopped in Michael’s to fill my final fifteen minutes, and I headed to the sketch books. I found it!  Not a lovely floral or geometric print. Just an understated navy cloth covering, but it was spiral bound.  The paper, while unlined, was a luxurious, heavy stock.  Even better, this book had two features I didn’t know that I should have been looking for: a pocket and a magnetic flap closure.  In that pocket, I could stick any papers from my appointments until I filed them at home.  I kept prescriptions and orders for tests in that pocket so I would have them when I needed them.  The best thing in that pocket? Favorite pictures of my kiddos and family, so that I could be a proud mama and show them off anytime a doctor or nurse asked about my kiddos.  The magnetic flap closure held all those pictures and important papers securely inside.

Stay tuned– up next I’ll give you a glimpse into how I filled (and continue to fill) those heavy, thick pages.

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Coming Soon to a Doctor’s Office Near You | Breast Cancer Treatment Guide

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You know those magazines that lay on the tables at your doctor’s office? I guess it’s more because of my stage of life, but I tend to think of all the pregnancy mags they have at an OB’s office.  There’s a new one every quarter or so, except they all have essentially the same information, just repackaged for the next crop of pregnant moms.  Apparently, they make these magazines for all kinds of conditions, and of course, breast cancer is no exception. image

This Breast Cancer guide is published by Healthmonitor and is offered to patients for free in doctor’s offices.  I was contacted by the editor who had come across my blog and was hoping that I would contribute to the upcoming issue.  She had gleaned several things from my blog and used a few tips that worked into the issue.  I sent her a few photo options, but I love that she used this one– it’s one of my faves from a session Sally did last May. For some strange reason, I really love that I can see my port scar just under my collarbone.

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I’m sure it will eventually be available online, though for now, you could look for it when you head in for your annual mammogram!  The editor sent me a PDF to preview this week.  I have to admit feeling a bit starstruck (and a bit like a nerd!) when I recognized Shana of The Mom Edit (formerly Ain’t No Mom Jeans) on the page before me!  She’s a fun mommy fashion blogger who I followed before she was diagnosed with breast cancer last year– though I must admit I followed more closely after her diagnosis.

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I appreciated the opportunity to be a part of this project.  I’ve been honored to write for the Arlington Magazine and to do the interview on Let’s Talk Live, but this magazine will put the name of my blog in front of actual breast cancer patients.  I am humbled by the idea that newly diagnosed women, looking for any answer they can find in the stack of information they take home from the surgeon’s office, might read my words or head to my blog and learn something that will help them or give them a little extra confidence as they approach their treatment.

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Bald Heads and Weather Girl Hair | Hair Loss and Wigs after Chemo for Breast Cancer

Perhaps the only picture taken of my while I was wearing my wig...

Perhaps the only picture taken of my while I was wearing my wig…

As I look back, I regret how I used this blog when I was going through treatment.  It was more of a weekly check-in, just to let people know that I was still doing fine.  Truth be told, sometimes I only checked in once a week because I was busy doing fun things and napping and just didn’t feel like spending my precious awake time on the computer.  But still, I wish that I’d had more pictures of all the fun things I was doing– pictures of me in my favorite scarf and fabulous boots wandering around Old Town with Sally, pictures of me in my favorite smartwool hat from Athleta hanging out at the bus stop with all my neighbors, watching the kids play.  Pictures showing that it wasn’t always all that easy, but that it really wasn’t all that hard, either.  And I wish I had pictures of those few times I actually wore my wig.

I didn’t think that I wanted a wig, but it really seemed like it would be easier for the kids if I had one.  Since insurance paid for it (or most of it), I went ahead and got one.  I did my best to get one that looked like my real hair, but really only wore it to church.  It felt so strange, so disingenuous to wear a wig over my bald head.  I’ve also always been a “fusser,” I fuss with my hair constantly.  I tuck it behind this ear, then that,  smooth it out over my neck.  Even with a good wig, that’s just not a great plan.  It starts to get all tangly and before you know it, all I could think about was how much my hair felt like the hair on Emma Clare’s American Girl Doll.  Not a good feeling.

One Sunday, apparently the Sunday after chemo (I can tell because the steroids made me all flushed for several days), the youth director took photos of everyone to make a directory of sorts to hang on the bulletin board.  As far as I know, this is the only picture of me actually wearing my wig, not just playing dress up. (Oh wait, I did find one other picture– even worse than this one– that I took the night after I had my head shaved.)

It was a really good wig, but I only wore it a handful of times.  I think I somehow felt stronger without the wig– like I was showing that I was strong enough and healthy enough that I didn’t need the wig.  That said, there are a lot of women who want to wear a wig for lots of great reasons.  My kids didn’t mind me being bald, and I was so thankful for that.  I have one friend, though, whose son found her bald head very upsetting, so she wore her wig most of the time.  If I were working, especially in an environment where I dealt with clients, I can see wanting to hide my cancer– perhaps they might think I wasn’t up to the task or that they were “helping” me by taking their business elsewhere. If I thought I were going to wear my wig, there are definitely some things I should have done differently.  A shorter, straight wig would be much easier to take care of and wear on a daily basis than the long, wavy locks I bought.  If someone were trying to do the “wear the wig everyday and keep the cancer thing under wraps” thing, I’d probably suggest she cut her hair into a short bob as soon as possible– a style that would be easy to replicate with a wig.  It was mere minutes into our first wig shop outing when Sally and I started referring to that as “weather girl hair.” I hope that doesn’t offend any weather girls.  But seriously, watch the news for a while and you’ll totally get it.  At any rate, if she’s got weather girl hair to begin with, when her hair starts falling out, a quick shave and a swap with the wig might not be all that noticeable.

It’s so funny to me that I desperately wanted to keep things normal for the kids, yet I thought nothing of showing up for a “normal” school event with nothing more than a scarf covering my head.  Either way, especially when she has cancer, a woman should do whatever it takes for her to feel stronger, more beautiful, more powerful.  She should do whatever she wants, whether that means having the best weather girl hair out there, or heading out with a shiny bald head and some great lipstick.

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