This morning Facebook told me that I had memories for the day, and I love looking back at old pictures of my sweet kiddos, so of course I clicked over to reminisce. Among all the fun fall pictures I’ve posted on this day through the years, I was surprised to see a photo of the Washington Monument captioned with “This morning’s run.” I very rarely run downtown, so it took me a minute to remember why I’d done a special run that day. I screwed up my brow and looked at the date. And then it hit me. I’d forgotten a very important day, one that I never thought I’d forget.
My cancerversary. Four years ago, on October 5, my surgeon told me that I had breast cancer.That was definitely one of those days whose date really sticks with you. And yet, only four years later, I might have forgotten it completely without Facebook.
So this left me with some weird feelings. I mean, I hadn’t forgotten my best friend’s birthday. But I was disappointed in myself that I let such monumental day pass so unceremoniously. It’s not really a day to celebrate, it’s more like my own personal Memorial Day– a day to remember. In the past I’ve always gone for a good run or spent the day with friends. I was disappointed in myself, but then I decided I should congratulate myself– I may not be at the point where I can’t remember the date, but I should count it as progress that the date wasn’t looming over my head like a dark cloud.
I sometimes worry that I’ll never have a “cancer-free day” where I don’t think about cancer at all– it’s my job to think about cancer. But maybe when I’m really busy and have a lot of life going on around me, or maybe when enough time has passed, maybe it will be possible for me to have a day when I don’t think about my cancer at all.