Missing Cancer | Scarves

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A couple of weeks ago, Sally and I were at one of our favorite shops, Covet Boutique in Arlington, getting ready for a party we’re helping host this weekend.  I saw this scarf on a display and loved it.  I was so disappointed that Autumn, the shop owner, hadn’t found these last year.  Even though I’ve got hair now, I couldn’t resist tying it on my head, wishing I’d had it a year ago.  I love everything about this scarf– the soft, knit jersey, the red color, the chevron pattern, the long tail, the contrast of turquoise and navy.  As I recall, there was another print or two of these soft, knit scarves, but I can’t even remember what they look like, this was so clearly my favorite.  It almost makes me miss the bald head that required a scarf. (And if you happen to be local and would like to join us this Saturday afternoon, you can check out this scarf and the rest of our favorite gift shop– details here.)

This post is part of a series of what I’ll miss from my time as a cancer patient.  I know cancer is a serious thing, not everyone tolerates treatment well, and not everyone recovers.  I don’t mean to offend by making light of a serious subject.  These posts are just a glimpse of my efforts to make the best of my situation—to find the silver linings wherever I can.

Follow Up

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Last March a week or so after my mastectomy, I had an appointment with my oncologist.  While I’d already heard from the surgeon’s office that I’d had a complete pathological response, this appointment had been set up to completely discuss my pathology and any next steps.  Because of the good pathology news, the “next steps” part was very short.  Come back every six months for a quick physical exam and a chat with her.  And that is all.

I love my oncologist, and I respect her on top of that.  But I questioned this advice.  Nothing? No scans, no blood tests, nothing?  Knowing my research background, she reassured me what I suppose I already knew deep down.  I don’t have any breast tissue left to mammogram.  There are no biomarkers associated with breast cancer that can be measured from a blood test.  And even PET/CT scans aren’t indicated in an asymptomatic patient.  She told me that the Journal of Clinical Oncology had recently published a study on this very topic.  So we discussed that I’d be back in six months, and the situations under which I should call her earlier, and I hugged her and left.  I was a little surprised to see an email from her in my inbox later that afternoon, with this article.  She’d found the article published that very month, and sent it to me to reassure me just a little bit more.  And when I admitted to being a bit of a nerd, but told her I appreciated her taking the time to send it to me, she replied simply.  “nerds are cool :)”

More Questions | Mammograms

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First a disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor. This blog is full of personal anecdotes and sometimes a scientific perspective.  So, there’s that.

The American Cancer Society encourages women to start annual mammograms at age 40. (A newly-Canadian friend asked about this, and I believe their recommendations are a bit different.)  Because of that recommendation, insurance companies are required to cover this level of screening. Doing a little research for this post, though, I found that in 2009, the US Preventative Services Task Force actually changed that recommendation to start biennial (every two years) mammograms at age 50, but I’m guessing that because of previous legislation, insurance companies still cover yearly mammograms after 40, and so doctors still suggest it.  (Not only am I not a medical doctor, I’m not a politician, so if I’m wrong, please forgive me.) If a woman is at particularly high risk, earlier screening may be warranted.  In general if your parent were diagnosed with a  (screen-able) cancer at a young age, you should start screening when you are ten years younger than your parent was at diagnosis.  So that means based on current standards, my beautiful little girl will need to start some breast cancer screening when she’s only 25.  That really breaks my heart.

Even for women with reasonably normal risk, though, mammography is not without controversy.  There is a growing voice speaking out against screening mammography, citing data indicating while it has increased the instance of diagnosed breast cancers, it has not drastically decreased the number of breast tumors presenting at a late stage, nor has it made a significant decrease in overall mortality.  (Edited to add: a new study refutes this, indicating that mammograms really are catching tumors earlier.  Read my update to the great mammogram debate here.)  And they suggest that the number of unnecessary biopsies is not acceptable.  Now, I’ve had a diagnostic mammogram, which is like a screening mammogram on steroids.  Yes, it hurt.  But for a few seconds a few different times.  And I’ve had a few biopsies.  One of them was particularly bad– I bled a lot.  My chest was wrapped so tightly when I left that I couldn’t fully inflate my lungs, and the surgeon called me first thing the next morning because she was so worried that I might start bleeding and require emergency surgery. That was a bad biopsy. Still, I’d rather have a bad biopsy and find out that I didn’t have cancer than let cancer go undiagnosed for years.  That’s all emotional, of course.  I’m so glad I’m not the one who has to really examine the data and look at cost benefit analysis to make official recommendations and decide on insurance coverage.  But my semi-emotional, semi-rational response?  Get your mammogram for as long as your insurance covers it.

On the other side of the issue, there are people who wonder why mammograms are only covered for women over 40.  I mean, I got cancer before I was 40.  Breast cancer is still predominantly a disease of older women, and yet that doesn’t mean that young women go unaffected.  But part of the reason that younger women don’t get mammograms has to do with their biology.  Younger women have denser breasts– more breast tissue and less fatty tissue– and mammograms can’t visualize a dense breast nearly as well as a fattier breast.  So a screening test that’s not as effective in a population that’s at a much lower risk? Not recommended.  For young women at particularly high risk, those with a mutated BRCA gene, for example, an MRI can often be more informative and so is more likely to be covered by insurance.

I don’t think any woman can say the word, “mammogram,” without cringing just a little.  But one very important thing I’ve learned in the last year is that it’s SO much better to find a tumor sooner than later.

On Faith and Faithfulness

After last week’s plea for a little inspiration, one of my cousins emailed, asking me how having breast cancer had affected my faith.  Whether I felt like my faith was stronger, or if I had grown angry with God and turned my back on Him. I have to admit I have felt a little disappointed that I didn’t feel like my faith really grew all that much.  I prayed, but not with the fervor that so many talk about when faced with such a potentially serious illness.  So when I got that email last week, I was reminded of my disappointment.  I figured I’d think on it and decide how– or if– I’d address the question.

On Sundays, my friend, Lucy, and I teach a group of high school girls, and last week’s lesson was on faith.  Only, it wasn’t on our faith, it was on God’s faithfulness. As Lucy went through the lesson and we all discussed, I realized something. Cancer didn’t necessarily teach me anything about my own faith, but it taught me something about God’s faithfulness.  He is faithful to us even when we are not, even when we can’t see what He is doing.  I won’t be so dramatic to say that everything that happened in my life before the cancer diagnosis was preparing me for that moment.  Yet, I can see so many ways that God made sure that I was ready when I heard those words.

Of course, there is the whole graduate school thing.  When I applied to graduate schools, I really thought I would be in an immunology program.  Only I didn’t get into the immunology program at Hopkins (my first choice) and the program at Georgetown (focusing on oncology, where immunology was only a component of other courses) was so much more attractive than the program that had accepted me at Maryland.  And so, I ended up knowing so much more about breast cancer than the average patient.

Then there’s that lump.  That first lump that I found shortly after starting at Georgetown years ago taught me so much about how doctors deal with a young woman who feels a lump in her breast.  Mostly, it taught me that a breast surgeon would be the only one who could definitively address my concerns, so that might as well be my first call.

I didn’t start running until a couple of years ago.  Before then, I’m embarrassed to say that I was pretty much a couch potato.  My oncologist stressed that during treatment, and especially now that treatment is complete, physical activity is so important.  But I’m betting that during chemo isn’t the optimal time to take up running.  I was so thankful that running was already a part of my routine, so that even though I ran less during chemo and have had a hard time getting back to full force post-surgery, it still seems natural and like something that I want to do.

Oh, and the friends that God has put in my life.  Of course, Sally has been, as Clay’s mom says, “the best friend you could ever ask for.”  I’m thankful for all those at our church who prayed for me and drove, frequently more than an hour round trip, to deliver meals to my family.  Really, though, one kind of expects at least some of that support from a church. But I was also so blessed by my neighbors, the way they rallied to bring us food, watch the kiddos, and chat with me about whatever I needed to chat about.  When we moved into this house years ago, I had no idea how very important the location would be.  I was even grateful the ill-fated camping trip we took with our neighbors just a few weeks before my diagnosis when we lost Turner in the dark campground for at least ten minutes!  It gave our family, and especially Clay, who doesn’t spend as much time at the bus stop, such a great opportunity to get to know these families better.

So many more things I could add…  The fact that my tumor for some reason spawned a cyst that allowed it to be palpable years before I’d have a mammogram… The friend of my daughter whose mom introduced me to another woman whose friendship has been so important to me this past year…  The scarf that happened to be in a swag bag and became my go-to head covering… The fact that I didn’t get around to finding a job to start as soon as Turner headed to kindergarten…  The fact that I’d followed Ashley all through her cancer journey and knew how I’d want to deal with my own hair loss…  Our house, with all those fabulous neighbors, happened to be just a mile from a top-notch breast cancer center… The first time I’d heard from my graduate school mentor in nine years was just after my surgery and she was able to help my get involved with the patient advocacy group at Lombardi…

I quickly realized that God knew what my body would have to go through, and I prayed simply that He would make my body strong. But not until this week did I realize that perhaps it’s not all about me.  Maybe I didn’t need for cancer to teach me anything about me and my faith.  Maybe I needed cancer to teach me some more about God and His faithfulness.  Not only did He know what my body would need to go through, He knew everything I and my family would have to go through, and He was faithfully making us ready all along.

You Asked: Lymphedema and Cording

So I’m taking a small liberty here, no one asked about cording, but it feels like it’s worth mentioning along with my comments on lymphedema.  To determine the spread of breast cancer, breast surgeons remove one or more lymph nodes.  They act as filters, so they are likely the first place cancer cells would be trapped if they’d escaped the breast.  Unfortunately, taking them out to check for cancer, while important, can cause not so great side effects.  Lymphedema– the swelling of fingers and arms in breast cancer– occurs when the remaining lymph nodes can’t keep up and fluid builds up.  That’s why some women wear a compression sleeve after a mastectomy. Because some of the lymph nodes are removed, the lymphatic vessels that service those nodes can harden from disuse and cause problems as well. (They look like tendons that appeared out of nowhere, frequently under the arm and down the arm to the wrist, but can also run from under the arm and down through the chest.)

Before I had my mastectomy, I had an hour or so consult with a physical therapist.  (As an aside, I would insist on having this kind of appointment a week or so before surgery– invaluable.) Michelle is a lymphedema specialist, and she made sure I understand exactly what I should and should not do after surgery.  More than that, she made sure I knew what to expect and what would signal a problem with lymphedema.  She emphasized that it would be far easier to deal with lymphedema early, before it became a significant issue.  Though I have yet to meet her, I also have several friends who see a massage therapist at the Teal Center at the hospital who focuses her massage on the axilla (that’s a fancy word for armpit– I’m flashing back to Fancy Nancy!) to help encourage lymph drainage.

Thankfully, I only had a few small, superficial nodes removed at surgery, so I am not likely to struggle with lymphedema. I did experience some minor cording, and Michelle used massage and stretching to break the cord, which you could hear pop as she broke them down.  Creepy.  On the advice of a friend, I scheduled my appointments with her just before I went for an expansion with the plastic surgeon, and I think the relaxing of that area really helped lessen the pain of the expansion.

Lymphedema and cording are real issues, though as current standard practice does not dictate that a surgeon remove all  nodes, they are not as prevalent now as they once were.  Still, the take home message is that there are physical therapists who are specifically trained to combat these problems.  Michelle did a great job, and she was really nice, too.  A little PT would be so much better than dealing with swelling and the pain from cording.

Writer’s Block

I have to confess I have a bit of writer’s block.  I can’t seem to think of a topic to get me started.  So that’s where you come in.  Any burning questions?  Something you’d like to know about implants, chemo, doctors?  I’m sure there are lots of things that I’ve forgotten to mention or skipped over because I thought they weren’t interesting.  I mentioned it before, but questions don’t bother me.  I promise, you’re more embarrassed to ask than I am to answer.

Come on, help a girl out.  Submit questions in the comments, or if you want to stay anonymous, just drop me an email.  Would love to hear what’s on your mind!

On Receiving a Compliment

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I react when someone pays me a compliment, I think graciously accepting a compliment is so important.  And if I want Emma Clare to have a healthy body image, I can’t constantly belittle myself when someone says something nice about me.  Over the summer, we had the opportunity to visit family, seeing many who I hadn’t seen in a year or more.  The last time they’d seen me I had long hair and no scars, visible or otherwise.  (That pesky port scar is pretty visible when I wear tank tops and summer dresses, though to be clear, I really don’t care who sees it.) Most of the friends and family had followed this blog and Facebook during my treatment, so they’d seen pictures of me along the way.  It was almost amusing to me the way, to a person, they all said that I looked great.  I mean, again, a compliment is always wonderful, but it was almost like they didn’t expect me to look good– despite the pictures and the words I’d written, they expected me to look gaunt, sad, sick.  And so for every nearly identical compliment I received, I replied in an identical manner.  “Thank you, I feel great.”  They didn’t want me to belittle myself, commenting that I sometimes wished I’d lost some weight during chemo instead of staying so “healthy,” that I missed my long, lovely locks, or that I hated the tissue expanders that were interrupting my sleep.  They wanted to tell me that they were happy I was healthy, and  I decided to let them know I was happy to be healthy, too.

Running Towards “Normal”

Sally saw a post last week  and the photos alone gave her an idea.  So she gave me my very own photo challenge.  She suggested I bring along my camera on my first run after this last surgery.  She thought maybe I could document my run as I “get back to normal.” I love that she quickly added. “Ha.  Like normal is a thing.”

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I agreed it would be a fun post, and so after lacing up my running shoes, I snapped a photo on the brick stairs at my front door, and I continued to snap away as we ran along the Potomac.

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run lipstick chemo breast caner

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As I haven’t been on a run at all in six weeks, and I was only running half heartedly at best before that, I welcomed any stop to take photos.  So did this little lady, who was eager to pop out of the stroller at any opportunity.

run lipstick chemo breast cancerAnd of course, no fun run with Sally would be complete without the requisite stop at Starbucks.  So glad to be running and getting back to normal.  Like normal is even a thing.

On Finding a Lump

So despite my mini-rant on the pinkwashing of all kinds of stuff to sell in October, I’m all for breast cancer awareness.  But I’m thinking if you’re reading this, you’re plenty aware.  And surely you know that a woman over 40 needs a yearly mammogram.  If your doctor finds something suspicious on a mammogram, then it’s pretty easy to know what to do.  Whatever the doctor tells you.  But if you’re like me, under 40 and not yet a candidate for a mammogram, or if you’re in between mammograms and find a lump, it’s a little harder to know how to proceed.

The first time I found a lump, it was under my arm, probably twelve years ago.  I did what I would guess most women do.  I worried, let my imagination go off the deep end, and hoped that it would just go away.  After obsessing for several weeks, I made an appointment with my primary doc.  Because I figured that was the thing to do.  The lump was obvious, and being under my arm, I was sure I had breast cancer which had spread to my lymph nodes– stage 3 at the best. My doctor, on the other hand, was sure I was recovering from some sort of an infection, and that if I took some Advil, the inflamed lymph node would return to normal in four to six weeks.  After a couple of weeks, I’d had no resolution, and so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. She, too, was sure that it was nothing, but if the Advil didn’t take care of it in another four to six weeks, she gave me the name of a breast surgeon to contact at that point. As soon as I left her office, I called the surgeon. No sense waiting any longer. A couple of weeks later, at the first available appointment, I met with the surgeon.  He, too, assured me that it was probably nothing, but wanted to be sure and sent me for an ultrasound.  An hour or so later, I was returning to the surgeon’s office with a little black and white print out– an ultrasound pic of a glob of fat in your armpit isn’t nearly as adorable as one of a teeny little baby, by the way. Turns out, they were all right, it was nothing and I was fine, but it took a trip to a breast surgeon to know for sure.

Strangely, I’m so thankful for that experience. Last year, on that Saturday, when I first felt that lump in my left breast, I knew immediately what I needed to do.  The surgeon who I’d appreciated all those years ago is no longer in the area, so I made a short list of surgeons to call Monday morning.  I was fortunate to secure an appointment for the very next day, and she did an ultrasound and aspirated the cyst right in the office.  I was out and on my way within a half hour.  And within the week, I had a diagnosis.  Waiting a few weeks and jumping through a few hoops probably wouldn’t have made a difference in my long term outcome.  But because of some previous procedures, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN and a general surgeon who sometimes does breast surgeries in the following weeks, and they both indicated that they don’t always even aspirate cysts, and they certainly don’t send the fluid to pathology. I definitely made the right call. A breast surgeon is a specialist for a reason, and I can’t think of a better first call after finding a lump.

Pinkwashing

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Happy October, all.  Last year as the nation “celebrated” breast cancer awareness month, my friends, family, and I became acutely aware of breast cancer. To anyone in the throes of a new breast cancer diagnosis, I sympathize with you. October must be the worst time to be diagnosed with breast cancer.  Yes, Yoplait, I am aware.  Yes, NFL, those big guys do look a little silly in pink helmets.  Yes, 5 hour energy, I have heard of breast cancer.  (5 hour energy, really?  Still don’t quite get that one.  I’d think that stuff would give cancer to mice for sure.) Back in my days in the lab, I thought the idea of saving, washing, and mailing in pink yogurt lids was laughable.  Why not just write a big check and be done with it, Yoplait? Why do I have to do all that work? And all the athletes in their pink gear?  I was outraged that they spent the money on that gear and didn’t just donate it to a good cause.  Then my husband informed me that they auction them off and donate the proceeds, and apparently people will pay a premium for sweaty game-worn gear.  So there’s that.

But still, I can’t help but feeling like all the companies that are slapping a pink ribbon on anything they can think of are capitalizing on a life threatening disease.  Maybe it’s just an emotional reaction, and I know plenty of “survivors” who love them some pink ribbon swag. But I can’t help but feel a little dirty thinking of the money companies are making schilling all their pink products.

That said, I think money for education is fine (though are there really women who don’t know they should get yearly mammograms?) and I think money for research is great. I’m partial to Komen and Avon, as I’m familiar with their granting mechanisms and I know they stand behind strong science. I know there are plenty of products– good products, things I might even like– that donate a portion of their proceeds to some worthy breast cancer cause.  But really, it’s just a portion, and it’s rarely more than a dollar or two for each item. (That 5 hour energy? Five cents per bottle.) I’ve been trying to come up with an educated position on this issue, I don’t want it to be emotional on any level.  And so I’ve decided.  If I really like that pink ribbon lipstick/blush/yogurt, then I’ll buy it and be happy that they’re giving a small donation to a good cause.  But if I feel like I need to support a good cause and like a different lipstick, then I’ll buy the lipstick I want and send my two dollars to Komen on my own.