The Cardinals were playing the Nationals tonight, so we all headed out to Nationals Park to cheer them on. Clay wore his Nats cap, but I’ve managed to make Cards fans out of the kids! It was a fun game and the Cards won! (Plus, check out the hair growth—it’s still super soft and fuzzy, but you can at least see a hairline now!)
My friend, Marcia, and I have decided that the plastic surgeon needs a show and tell box in his office. It turns out that when I didn’t know what to expect, my mind came up with something so much worse. The drains were not nearly as bad as I’d thought. They were really easy to empty and I only had to do it twice a day. I could shower starting the day after I came home, and it wasn’t a problem cleaning around the sites. It was harder to dress around them, they were pretty bulky hanging around my abdomen. It was hard getting a straight answer about how long I’d have them. I had three, and got one taken out each week after surgery. Which means it was three long weeks with at least one drain. But I survived and went out a lot, without looking like a total freak. I think. The incisions didn’t look so bad, either. I didn’t have any bruising, and there was only a little discoloration where the dermabond (much like superglue) closed the incisions; there were no stitches. And as soon as the dermabond started flaking off, there was nothing left but nice, pink scars. The compression bra was probably as bad as I’d thought. Big, ugly, and lace trimmed. Velcro all down the central front closure and on the front where the straps which come up over the shoulders attach, which leads to some pretty ugly flaps that are bulky under clothes. Wearing a scarf around my neck worked to conceal the ugly parts of the bra that no shirt could cover in the early days. Later, I took to wearing a sports bra over the compression bra to keep the strap tabs in place so that I could at least wear a somewhat normal shirt. I did get a compression bra at Nordstrom, the one suggested by my doctor. But it turns out it wasn’t really as great a bra as I’d hoped, it didn’t provide enough compression in some places, and so it didn’t get a lot of wear. Thankfully, though, I’m almost to the magic six week mark when I can ditch the compression gear all together. Since that’s also when I can head out for a run and start building up arm strength, that magic mark can’t come soon enough!
I mentioned it before, but within 24 hours of arriving home from the hospital, all my eyelashes and eyebrows had fallen out. Seriously? Somehow it never bothered me to go in public without a wig or even a hat, but it killed me to even go around my house sans lashes and brows. Thankfully, I already had a set of false lashes I’d bought in the fall (pre-cancer) to play with. They’re not easy to put on, but I got quicker with practice. Eyeliner became super important—lining first with a good dark liner (I used a liquid water proof liner by L’Oreal that I found at Target. Like this but waterproof) gave me a little room for error so that I didn’t have to be quite so perfect in my application. And that same eyeliner did a good job defining my eyes so that I could skip lashes on days when I just didn’t care enough to put in the time. The Anastasia brow gel that I loved to darken my super blonde brows didn’t quite do the trick once the blonde hairs were gone. So I headed back to Nordstrom and asked for their help. They pointed me to a different Anastasia product (brow express) that does a fabulous job of faking brows. It takes a while to do my brows since they don’t exist—using a stencil and several other products. But to me, it’s so worth it. And I can already see some little lashes and brows starting to grow back in, so hopefully the long process won’t be necessary soon.
Family pictures in front of the flower cross at church are an annual tradition for so many, our family included. After surgery it was hard to tie the scarf behind my head, and it’s starting to warm up, so I’ve decided to give up on head covering and just go bald. My hair is starting to grow back, though it’s so light that it’s still pretty hard to see. We had a great a day with Clay’s parents and friends who invited us to have lunch with them. And how could you not have a blast with such a lovely little girl and crazy little guy?
I emailed my oncologist earlier this week with a request I knew she would deny. Can’t hurt to ask, right? I wanted to go to the Tumor Board meeting since it seemed as though there were several very educated people on both sides of the radiation decision, and I had often attended these kinds of meetings in graduate school. I wanted to hear everyone’s position, but I knew it was very unlikely a patient would be permitted to attend. I simply asked if it would be possible, but told her that I would completely understand if it were not. She is such a kind and intuitive physician, she read between the lines knowing exactly why I wanted to be there. So, even though it was her day off, she got on the phone with the radiation oncologist (one of the two suggesting treatment) and talked through all the details and nuances of my case. They discussed the scans, my history, all the pathology… In the end, he agreed with her that no post-mastectomy radiation is warranted. And the greatest thing about my sweet doctor? She immediately called me and told me the good news! We chatted for fifteen or twenty minutes– some about my recovery from surgery and future care, but we also chatted about her pregnancy and transitioning back and forth between the workforce and staying at home with kiddos. From her high heel boots to her compassion to her apparent vehement insistence that I receive proper care and information in a timely manner (she mentioned some people were tired of hearing from her regarding me!), I know we would have been friends had we met under different circumstances. In fact, I think we are friends even despite the circumstances.
As much as I like her, I’m happy to report that I don’t HAVE to see her for six months! I may try to get in touch with her office this summer to get a baby gift to her, but otherwise, my first cancer related follow up will be in the fall. I’ll still be seeing a lot of my plastic surgeon, who is also a phenomenal physician in addition to having a compassionate personality. I’ve still got some healing to do, but have been able to cut down on the narcotics and am starting some of my range of motion exercises. Can’t lift much, but at least I can turn the Keurig on by myself now!
And so this is it, I guess. I’m cancer free. I have no more significant treatment. My hair is starting to fill in (though I still look bald unless you look really close), and I’ve even got some (pathetically) short eyelashes. The false ones will still be making an appearance for a while! I’m not normal yet, but I’m on the road to normal. It’s really close. And while good news still feels a little hard to believe, I’m starting to get used to it. I’m moving from contained excitement to just plain excited!
So I know that everyone was THRILLED with the “cancer free” pathology report last week. Lots of people even cried with joy. I didn’t. I guess it sounded too good to be true– too easy. Which is ridiculous, I know. Sixteen weeks of chemo, no hair, double mastectomy– that’s easy? Oh, and the day I got home from the hospital, to add insult to injury, almost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows fell out. Perfect. So that doesn’t sound easy, I know. But really, it still has been so much more bearable than I’d expected, and after so much bad news, I think it’s hard to believe the good.
And so I went to all three appointments last week with contained excitement. All of my doctors were so pleased with the pathology reports– zero of eight lymph nodes were positive, so that’s a good sampling and a great result. No cancer left in any of the breast tissue removed– only scarring where the original tumor was located. The downside (why did I know that was coming) is that two of my four doctors think radiation is not necessary based on the fact that all the margins were clean and there was no evidence of cancer in the lymph nodes. But the other two recommend radiation based on the aggressive nature of the original tumor. Which means that on Thursday I will yet again be the subject of the Tumor Board, where my four doctors will discuss me all in the same room in the company of their fellow Oncology Department colleagues to come up with a recommendation for me. So a few prayer requests– that the doctors will make a wise decision concerning my care, and that I will make a wise decision based on their recommendation. Obviously, if they can’t agree 100%, then there is room for me to make a decision, and I want to make the right one.
When you head to the hospital to have a baby, there are about a million different checklists in books and online telling you everything you need to take with you. There are so many things you should remember that it’s a bit overwhelming, and no matter how many I consulted, I ended up missing something. And taking way too much that I never used. So this time when I headed to the hospital for my mastectomy, I made up my own list, and while I didn’t obsess over it, I did pretty well. I knew that Clay would be heading home for the night to take care of the kids, so my I wanted to be able to be as independent as possible. Here are a few things worth remembering:
I probably could have gotten by without a lot of this, but it really did make me feel so much better to have the things I wanted on hand. Before Clay left for the night, I had him get everything out of my bag that I thought I’d need before morning and I made it through the night without incident. When they woke me in the morning to take my vitals, I washed my face, got changed, and put on my makeup in the little mirror that’s in the tray of the bedside table. Just that simple action made me feel so much fresher and a little closer to normal. And those pre-breakfast pringles never tasted so good.
Truthfully, I guess it’s not so long awaited. Less than a week after surgery the nurse from my surgeon’s office called to tell me about the pathology report. Complete pathologic response. Ummm? So many questions I wanted to ask. I guess the fact that the nurse called and not the doctor means that it’s good news that requires no explanation. But somehow good news is just a little tough to hear at this point, so unexpected, so strange really. I’m sure it surprised no one I know well when the first thing I did after hanging up was email my oncologist. Thankfully, she’s super sweet and quick to reply and so within a few minutes I had the news—no cancer in any of the removed tissue and presumably no cancer left anywhere in my body. But I’m looking forward to sitting down with all my doctors next week—I’m hoping that this means that I won’t need any more treatment, but want to hear it from them before I celebrate.
I’ll keep this brief, but surgery went well. A note of caution, if your surgery is not the first one of the day, expect some delays! We started late and it took a bit longer than usual, so I wasn’t awake and in a room until 10pm! Just as well, though, as I was starving and they wouldn’t let me eat until morning. I’ll do more of a recap later perhaps, and I will definitely include some must haves from my packing list. There are a few things I’m so glad I brought along!
While Clay was getting the kids ready and off to school, Sally stopped by with coffee and treats. And you know we couldn’t let such a monumental visit pass without snapping a quick pic! After having pink eye last week, I was so happy to get my contacts back in and be able to wear eye makeup that my mascara was on as soon as the sun came up!
(For those inquiring minds, the marks on my collarbone there are not incisions! The plastic surgeon was very precise in his marking procedure, and those lines were landmarks from which he took many pre-surgical measurements.)
Run Lipstick Chemo 